What don’t the stars have in store for you this week? Check back every Friday for a new prognostication from our in-house Loserstrologist, Lady Larissa.
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AQUARIUS: JANUARY 20 - FEBRUARY 18
If your idealistic nature could help you finish any of the projects you’ve thought about possibly, maybe starting – you’d be the superstar you already think you are.
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PISCES: FEBRUARY 19 - MARCH 20
When you keep hearing the words “I’m not your boyfriend/girlfriend” over and over, it might be time to re-evaluate your relationship—and quit calling every 10 minutes.
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ARIES: MARCH 21 - APRIL 19
How many things will you throw this week while you’re at work? The stars are putting the over/under at 7, and I’m taking the over.
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TAURUS: APRIL 20 - MAY 20
You enjoy being stubborn as a mule. But that doesn’t mean you have to smell like one. Really. Your Earthiness won’t be muddied by a little soap and water. Give it a try.
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GEMINI: MAY 21 - JUNE 21
With Saturn nowhere near your ruling house this week, you may want to avoid unnecessary conversations. In you’re case, that should eliminate speaking altogether.
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CANCER: JUNE 22 - JULY 22
As the new year approaches, it’s time for new thinking, for contemplating something you’ve never even thought about before—like other people’s feelings.
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LEO: JULY 23 - AUGUST 22
Oh, Leo, you know how to bring the va va voom to every date. Fortunately, you should be able to clear that up with some antibiotics and a topical ointment.
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VIRGO: AUGUST 23 - SEPTEMBER 22
Great ideas abound this week and if you move fast, you’ll nab a few to pass off as your own.
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LIBRA: SEPTEMBER 23 - OCTOBER 23
With Mercury on the move, your finances are on the fritz again. Perhaps it’s time to get cut back on the rhinestone-studded boots.
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SCORPIO: OCTOBER 24 - NOVEMBER 21
‘Tis the season to be jolly Scorpio, not the time to challenge the universe to an arm wrestling match. I know it worked for Stallone in Over the Top, but I’m not sure it’s right for you.
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SAGITTARIUS: NOVEMBER 22 - DECEMBER 21
Relax. No one is trying to box you in or make you commit to anything. Go to Rome, go to Bangkok, go to Rio! Seriously, we took a vote and everyone agrees – you should go.
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CAPRICORN: DECEMBER 22 - JANUARY 19
Like Father Time, you never seem to age. Unlike father time, you look strange in a flowing white robe. Maybe it’s time to add some clothes to your holiday wish list.
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